Beneficial Opposition

This last week has been very special for me. My youngest son, George, got married last Friday—it was a big beautiful outdoor wedding with my other son as the best man. His new wife is wonderful, and they’re on their honeymoon as I write these words.

At the rehearsal dinner, my other son, Harry, gave a best man speech where he talked about the first biblical description of man and wife, where God says that it is not good for man to be alone, and he will make him a helper suitable for him. A lot of people hate that phrasing, women especially, because it makes her sound subservient or less important. But as is so often the case, a look at the original language reveals something very special.

The original words used for a suitable helper are “ezer kenegda.” While the translation does seem to be fairly literal, the context surrounding this phrase is amazing. That same phrase is used throughout the Old Testament to refer to God’s own relationship to the nation of Israel. So ladies, the first thing God ever said about you is something He said about Himself. That’s quite a compliment! And if you look at the sort of relationship He had with Israel, it’s clear that you are meant to be much more than a submissive servant. God DID help and bless Israel, but he also kicked their ass from time to time when they needed it.

Naturally, my son’s wedding puts me in a reflective frame of mind. Looking back over my own marriage, as painful and difficult as they were at the time, some of my most significant periods of growth have come through fights within my marriage. My recommitment to God and my discovery of what real love is was a result of Hope throwing me out of the house. And while that’s still probably the single biggest period of change I’ve gone through, there have been others like it. Maybe even one or two that weren’t my fault.

I think one of the big problems people are facing today is a lack of relationships that are willing to face these sorts of confrontations. After all, a marriage may be the most powerful example, but all of our relationships are meant to build each other up, to sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron. Most people these days don’t seem to do that. I think this is partially due to how easily offended people have become, and more specifically to the growing cultural perception that identity is wholly self-defined, and therefore attempts to rebuke and offer constructive criticism are so often seen as hateful or emotionally violent.

This attitude really leads us to be more and more divided, since it effectively stifles even the attempt at rational discussion, and leads us to associate only with those who are in agreement with us, while also not exposing those beliefs to the sort of beneficial opposition needed for us to continue growing. We have begun to accept our emotions as our identity—it should be no surprise that our identity therefore becomes intolerant of reason.

In The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, he writes that making any sort of significant change in your life requires you to go through a period of chaos. After all, that’s what happens when a status quo is disrupted. Psychologically speaking, the human brain hates chaos and uncertainty. That’s why our minds tend to fill in missing details, even if it has to make them up. There’s been a lot of good research done, for example, on how easy it is to get people to fabricate memories just by asking leading questions.

This impulse to avoid opposition that might challenge us is, of course, rooted in fear. If any of you reading this have been through a time where you began to genuinely doubt your beliefs, whether you are a Christian who went through a period where the whole thing seemed hopelessly unlikely, or an atheist who went through a period where God seemed awfully likely, or anything else, you know that there is a real, visceral pain that comes with doubt, and all the more so when we force ourselves to honestly confront that doubt with a questioning heart.

And yet, both personal growth and beneficial, intimate relationships demand a willingness to persevere through discomfort, and to confront disquieting emotions. We’re not doing anyone any favors by just ignoring anything that challenges us, least of all ourselves.

Have a blessed, wonderful day!

Dr. Alex Loyd